English 101
by Angel of Harmony
Summary: Pure insanity. An experiment in attempting to combine every story and novel I read in the first semester of my freshman high school English class.


English 101

English 101

By Angel of Harmony

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, (Havana, Cuba to be exact) there lived an old man who had not caught a fish in 84 days.And that's only where the story begins.

Since the old man was poor and could not afford good food, his dinner that night consisted solely of a white snake he had caught sunbathing on his doorstep.As he partook of this meal, enjoying the flavor, there came a knock at his nonexistent door.Thinking it must be the boy, Manolin, the old man rose from his seat and went to let him in.However, when he opened the nonexistent door, (Please note that the man is senile.To him, the door is as real as can be.) he found not Manolin but a different, unknown boy about the same age.

"Who are you?You are not the boy," said the old man, surprised and suspicious.

"I am Pip," the boy responded, "and I've come to ask if you could take me back to England in your skiff.I seem to have gotten lost after a rowboat race with Bentley Drummle."

The old man, being the trusting and helpful person that he was (not to mention a little off in the head, or else he might have wondered how a boy lost in a rowboat in England could possibly have ended up in Cuba) agreed to this without question, and they set off the next day in the old man's little skiff.

As they rowed along, Pip began to realize that the old man did not seem to be focused on rowing to England.But when he questioned the old man about this, he simply said, "Do not worry, Pipolin.First I must catch a big fish to prove to the other fishermen that I am not salao.Then we can go to England." So Pip (despite the fact that the senile man was obvious confused about his identity) remained quiet for the rest of the trip.

A few hours later, around noon, the old man felt a tug on his line.He knew it was his big fish.But try as he might, he could not pull it in, and Pip (being totally pathetic) was no help at all.After arguing with his left hand for a while, the old man finally began to talk to the fish instead."Please fish," begged the old man, "let me catch you."

And the fish, to the old man's great surprise, responded."No way!Do I look stupid?!"(For of course, the old man had eaten the magical white snake that allows humans to communicate with animals.)

After recovering from his shock, the old man thought about what the fish had said and decided that no, the fish was probably not stupid.So instead, he asked the fish, "Well then, can you pull us to England?"And the fish, glad that the man was not looking to catch him, said yes.

And so the skiff continued on, with the fish pulling ahead.The old man passed the time by having conversations with anything he could think of- the fish, his hand, birds, and Pip, who he still insisted on calling Pipolin.As they moved along, they passed another man in a boat, a man with a clawed hand and a white bird flying overhead.However, this man was quickly gunned down by Nazi fire, and the fish-pulled skiff continued on.

Finally, the skiff pulled into the shore of the marshes near Pip's home, and its passengers quickly walked up to the village, which was a bustle of activity.As they walked through the small town the old man noticed many people, among them a short-haired woman and her husband, who was holding a watch chain, a small, backwards-crawling young boy and a crimson bird, and two sons (one of which seemed very thankful, and the other very jealous) and their father.Workers could be heard singing various songs, including the blacksmith anthem "Old Clem" and the spirituals "Steal Away" and "Go Down Moses", and railroad tracks were being hammered in the distance.

Pip, glad to be back in England, suggested the old man come with him to Miss Havisham's house to meet the eccentric, wedding dress-clad old woman.The man obliged, and they soon arrived at Satis House.Once inside, Pip saw Estella and immediately turned into a babbling idiot in her presence.Meanwhile, Miss Havisham asked who the old man was.Pip explained, and Miss Havisham turned to her new visitor.Without warning and with a crazy look in her eye, she went off onto a tangent about how her heart had been broken so many years before.The old man listened intently and, when she was finished, said simply, "Oh.I'm sorry about your hardship.But if you want, I could marry you.After all, you're already in the dress, and my first wife died long ago."

Upon hearing this, Miss Havisham jumped up from her seat by the fire."Really?" she asked.Then, without waiting for an answer, she ran out the door, yelling behind her, "Ok Estella, you don't have to exact my revenge on the male gender anymore!"Estella and Pip immediately began making out in the corner by the dilapidated wedding cake, and the old man followed his new fiancé to the church.

Once there, the ceremony began immediately.Beautiful narcissus flowers decorated the small chapel, and Mr. Wopsle's dramatic voice echoed off the walls as he conducted the nuptials.Then, as soon as the clerk declared them officially married, the newlyweds ran back to the old man's skiff, plastered it with a "Just Married" sign, and rowed off into the sunset for their honeymoon.

They had been moving along for quite awhile, pulled by the friendly marlin, when Miss Havisham (Who had decided to keep her maiden name) spotted a small island on the horizon."Oh honey," she exclaimed grabbing the old man's arm, "Isn't that the cutest little island?Let's stop there for our honeymoon."

The old man looked thoughtful and pulled out a map of the area."It says here that it's called 'Ship-Trap Island'.What a cute little name!Yes, I think we will stop there, darling."

And so they pulled the skiff up to the rugged shore of the isle and stepped out onto the rocks.After walking along through the dense undergrowth for a while, they came upon a palatial chateau right in the middle of the island."Look Santiago!"Miss Havisham exclaimed with glee, "It's our honeymoon suite!Let's go check in!"The old man didn't protest, and they went up to the giant front door with the gargoyle doorknocker.

Almost immediately after they knocked, a huge man swung open the door and stared down at them menacingly.He was dressed in flannel, like a lumberjack, and he had a strange blue ox next to him."Greetings strangers," he said, "the name's Paul Bunyan.You probably want to meet Zaroff, right?This way, please."And before the newlyweds had a chance to think, they were ushered into a huge dining room with a gargantuan table, where a single, strange looking Cossack was standing.

"Hello," said the Cossack, "My name is General Zaroff."He ushered the new couple into chairs, and a second later Paul Bunyan came back with two plates piled high with food."Please," said Zaroff, "enjoy."

As Santiago and Miss Havisham ate their meal, Zaroff began to tell of his magnificent hunting career, concluding with a description of his latest conquest, when he hunted Rainsford, a fellow hunter.He'd lost that battle, and had even wound up thrown to his own dogs, but he'd luckily survived that ordeal with only a few bumps, bruises, and missing chunks of skin, and he considered it one of his finest hunts.

At this point the newlyweds were a little suspicious of this strange Zaroff man, given that he'd just confessed to hunting humans.Consequently, Santiago began to urge his new wife to leave, but she was too excited about the fact that Zaroff had dogs.A dog lover at heart, she squealed with delight at this information and asked Zaroff what their names were, completely ignoring her husband.

"Oh, I have many dogs," said Zaroff, "but the ones I use most often are Sol-leks, Spitz, Billie, Joe, Kuna, and my prize mutt, Buck."

"Oh, they sound lovely!"Miss Havisham cried.

"Alright honey," Santiago whispered, gently steering Miss Havisham to the door, "It's time to go now."

"Go?"Zaroff looked surprised."You can't leave here, fools," he said."I have to hunt you now!Go, and have a head start."And with that he handed them two knives and pushed them out the door."I'll see you soon!" he called after them.

Fearing for their lives, the old man and woman began to run as fast as possible to their skiff.However, when they got there they found that sharks had devoured their Marlin- and the entire boat.With no means of escape, they began to run once again, this time just out of pure fear.As they ran they happened to pass a rather disgruntled-looking crow in a tree, and a very pleased-seeming fox with some cheese in its mouth.They also passed two other men, possibly fellow huntees, but they were no help in escape because they happened to be trapped under a tree branch.

The couple ran for days on end, and their speed allowed them to evade Zaroff. However, soon enough he let out the dogs, and it all went downhill from there.Before long the elderly newlyweds came face to face with the dog team, and silence filled the tense air as the groups stared at each other.

Suddenly, Santiago remembered an important detail: he could still talk to animals!So, he began to negotiate with Buck, the lead dog.

"Please Buck, don't eat us.You really don't want to," he said.

"Of course we want to.We're hungry," Buck replied.

"Well, if you're hungry…" the old man searched his surroundings for suggestions, his glance falling over the two incapacitated men."There!" he said, "You can eat those men.Just pretend you're wolves and they'll never know the difference!"

Buck considered this."Well," he said, "I suppose that's a good idea.But I still want to eat one of you.We're very hungry."

"Fine," Santiago replied, sighing with relief."Eat her.She's annoying."He pointed to his new wife.

"No!"Miss Havisham screamed, but it was too late.The dogs devoured her and the two men, and Santiago was left all alone.Once again he began to talk to the animals and his various body parts, as he trekked about the island in search of a new escape route, mentally making a note to himself to have Miss Havisham's bones sent back to Satis house, so they could be laid out on her dining room table.

After much searching, the old man came across another young boy, this one with hair the color of straw."Hello, young fellow," said Santiago, greeting the boy, "Who are you?"

"I am Jerry," the boy responded."I have integrity.And I also have a mother in Mannville."

"Is that so?" replied the old man.He scratched his head, trying to figure out a way to continue this conversation."Well," he finally said, "We're a long way from Mannville.But perhaps you and I can find a way off this island together."

"Ok," the boy replied, "But how will we do that?"Suddenly, his face lit up."I know!I can chop wood really well.Maybe we can take that wood and make wings, so we can fly off the island."

The old man thought that was a brilliant idea, so they set to work.Soon each of them was the proud owner of a beautiful pair of wings, made solely of wood and tree sap."Now Jerry, remember," warned the old man, "don't fly too close to the sun.The tree sap will melt, and you'll fall."

"I won't," promised Jerry.

But, apparently, Jerry did not have quite as much integrity as he said he did, for not more than twenty minutes after they left the island, he broke his promise and flew directly upward into the sun.As predicted, the tree sap melted, and he was hurled into a freefall toward the sea.Santiago, being benevolent, tried to save the poor boy and flew down to catch him, but he was not quick enough and Jerry drowned.Once again Santiago was alone, and now he was in the middle of the ocean.His wings were soaked and of no use, and he had no idea how to get home.

Suddenly, yet another young boy appeared out of the water.Santiago was shocked."Who are you?" he asked, "And why are you in the middle of the ocean?"

"I'm Jerry," the boy replied, "and I'm trying to go through this underwater tunnel."

"How many Jerry's are there?" the old man asked rhetorically, confused.Jerry shrugged."Well, whatever," the old man continued, sighing."I must focus on getting home.Do you know how I can do that?" he asked.

Jerry shrugged again, "I do not know how to get you home," he replied, "but I can get you through this tunnel.Maybe you'll find answers on the other side."And so he dove underwater once again, and the old man, for lack of a better plan, followed.

The tunnel was long and hard, and when Santiago came out the other side, he did not recognize his surroundings.Jerry swam away, his work complete, and Santiago looked around him, trying to figure out what he would do next.Suddenly, he noticed a small island in the distance.Given the tone of his last island adventures, he wasn't too thrilled at the prospect of more, but he realized he had a much better chance of survival on land than in the water.So, in a few powerful strokes with arms that had once allowed him to defeat all opponents at arm wrestling, he swam over to the isle and climbed onshore.

After a few seconds of silence and contemplation, Santiago noticed two natives, a middle-aged man and woman, coming toward him.Good, he thought, maybe they'll know how I can get home.Smiling, he approached them."Good morning, kind people.I come in peace."

The man laughed."Don't you know where you are?"he asked, grinning evilly.

"No," replied Santiago, "I have no clue.Where am I?Am I near Cuba?"

This time it was the woman who laughed."Not even close, old man.You have washed upon the shore of the Island of the Cruel, Nameless Narrators!"

"Cruel, nameless narrators?"The old man asked, confused.It certainly didn't sound like something very threatening, although it seemed as if the woman had intended the name to be so.

"Yes, cruel narrators," replied the man."When I was young, I was cruel to my brother, Doodle."

"You mean that funky backwards crawling boy?" Santiago interjected.

"Yes, him."

"And I," the woman began, jumping in, "was cruel to Jerry, who chopped wood for me."

"Which Jerry?" Santiago asked.

"The one with integrity," she replied.

"Oh."

"And now," the man snarled, rubbing his hands together with evil glee, "we will be cruel to you!"

The woman nodded, an evil glint in her eye, "We will send you to a place so terrible, so torturous, so unbearable, that it is doubtful you will survive."And with that, the two laughed, an evil, cruel laugh, in unison.

"What are you talking about?Where are you sending me?"the old man asked, petrified.Foggy smoke was rising around him, hiding everything else from view."What is happening?" he cried.

Suddenly, the smoke cleared, and Santiago found himself in the back of a small room filled with children sitting quietly at desks, looking even more frightened than he was.In the front of the room stood a small, dark-haired woman, with the same evil glint in her eye that the narrators had held.Slowly she snarled, and uttered one simple, yet deadly phrase:

"Welcome to Hell!"

The End


End file.
